RoboAwesome Digs Deep (Super Mario Bros.)

What?

Super Mario Bros. was probably one of the first games many gamers in my generation played. The series has gone through many changes, but has somehow kept audiences captivated by its happy-go-lucky spirit and challenging level design.  There’s no doubt that Mario and company are easily recognized around the world. Today however, using our cutting edge technology at the RoboLabs, we shall put them under the microscope, and discover the Mushroom Kingdom the hard way. As we study this, you will see that Mario is absolutely insane.

Think back to 1986 when you first put this cartridge into that grey box of joy. You are transported to a world where you know very little about the on goings and day to day politics. Things are about to get nuts!

Standing on this landscape with bricks under your toes, you wonder where you should go. It becomes clear that you cannot go to the left much further, so on to the right. Coming your way is a brown thing waddling towards you with a frown on his face. Perhaps a moody tour guide to give you the scoop on what’s going on? NO! It is a mushroom type person ready to use every bit of his slow moving power to end your pathetic life! He has been given the power to kill with but only a touch! Science is strange in this world, as you see the intent in his eyes, and understand if he touches you, that you shall perish, BUT if you jump on him he dies. So the transfer of this all mighty death touch is only effective if the mushroom man touches you. Perhaps your boots are immune to this death touch.

So we have now possibly solved the issue with the death touch and we move onto other things. Gravity in this world is treated differently for several objects; mainly bricks and boxes. Wipe the sweat off of your brow, it’s not over yet! The death touch was merely child’s play! Personally, I don’t go around punching bricks, yet this comes so naturally for our suspender-wearing hero. How could anyone even imagine that they need to punch a brick with the possibility of something coming out? Also, we have these boxes with question marks on them. In the world we live in now, can you imagine what would happen if a box with a large question mark appeared at the white house?

Curiosity killed the cat you know, but in this case it gives you a mushroom. This mushroom is clearly much bigger than you.  What are your plans for this mushroom? Well obviously it’s to eat it. In Joey Chestnut fashion (Competitive eater reference!) you gobble that thing down almost instantly. Suddenly you grow about twice your own size. This is CLEARLY a rip-off of Alice in Wonderland! I am not here to dispute copyright infringement, so let’s keep going.  You will begin to notice several green pipes poking out of the ground. Later on, you will recognize this as foreshadowing, as it becomes common knowledge that Mario’s main line of work is as a plumber.

This is where Darwin would be proud or perhaps slightly frightened as you encounter a race of turtles that are as big as you. When you jump on said turtle-creatures, they simply go into their shell to hide until you jump on them again. You can also kick them, at which point they become immune to friction, and if they strike a pipe, they just come right back. We later find out these turtles are a people known as Koopa.

Near the end of the first stage, everything you thought you knew about everyday life had been changed. Now you begin to climb some stairs, only to leap off hoping to grab onto a flagpole and slide down. To tell you the truth, I have no idea what this accomplishes, except if you do it right, you go into a small castle and set off fireworks.  From there you go into one of these green pipes into what appears to be some sort of aqueduct or sewer system. Where else would a pipe lead to? While down there you are introduced to a strange plant that when picked, and possibly eaten (no one really knows what you do with it at this point) gives you the ability to fling balls of fire from your hands, though it seems you are the only one able to harness such an ability.

As you continue to venture through this world, you happen upon a lava-filled castle. At this point you may want to turn around, as you see no reason to continue such a dangerous adventure.  I must nudge you though, as it’s about to get better. Jumping and running to avoid fire and lava, you meet Bowser, who is the King of the Koopas. Once he is defeated you are greeted by a different, friendly mushroom person who informs you that the princess is in another castle. Wait, what? What princess?! Who said anything about a princess? Well, now you HAVE to keep going and find out who this princess is.

There are several more questions that are sure to arise along the way to finding this princess. I will touch briefly on them, as you’re getting the idea of just how wacky this Mushroom Kingdom is.  One thing you find out is that Mario does not need air to breath underwater. Amazing, you say, but perhaps the water in the mushroom kingdom is different than our own? Everything else is. Another thing that’s bothered me are the Bullet Bills. Grinning bullets of cold steel waiting to off you fly in straight lines going what seems to be straight through brick walls, but can easily strike you. If you came upon a brick wall, you’d have to jump over it. What gives?!

That was just an interpretation of a great game that made history, to show just how ridiculous most games are if you over-analyze them. This does prove a theory, however, that the Japanese are very strange. Of course, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. After all, they did give us Tentacle Rape.